In which the author undertakes a Thought Experiment... on Vagina Dentata

So, I finally got round to watching 'Teeth' the other day (I know, I know, how did I take so long to see it?), and I have to say, I LOVED it - the lead actress' extensive use of but two expressions throughout the entire film was especially riveting.

Expression 1

Expression 2

But, after the initial usual reaction I believe this film elicits in a lot of women of "Oh my God, I LOVE it! I simply must buy this for when I'm in a particularly bad man-hating mood!", my mind went to other matters. As I was brushing my teeth before bed (yes, my proper teeth people) I started to wonder what would happen if Vagina Dentata were a real phenomenon, something that perhaps anything from a fifth to half the female population had. Surely this would be a game-changer? Thus, after much consideration (and traumatising of Charlie by discussing it with him), I have decided to share the products of this pondering with you all here.

Vagina Dentata: A Thought Experiment

So what would be the implications? Clearly, the first thing to consider would be the obvious empowerment of the female with this new physical advantage. I would imagine that rape numbers would fall drastically, and men would start picking their partners much more carefully... and be much nicer :P

Evolutionarily, the power to affect future generations would fall far more to the women than perhaps ever before: if this phenomenon were to spread to other species, then it would no longer necessarily be the strongest male who would pass on his genetics, but the female's choice - admittedly, this is not necessarily a positive thing, but it is an interesting possibility none-the-less. While we're talking of evolution, who's to say that men would not evolve too in response to this new "threat"? Perhaps the future for the male population would involve thicker penile skin, or a foreskin that "detatches in emergencies" (perhaps you start to see now why I said I traumatised Charlie with this discussion).

Pictured: Not a good evolutionary idea

But then there's the social implications to consider as well. One would assume that there would be a great deal of fear and prejudice that would spring up around it. There would be at least some factions of religious groups (as there always is with any new technological or biological advance) that would claim it was the work of Satan or the like, and general public fear would fuel this. I'd predict that there would be pressure upon governments to create a kind of register for all those with the mutation, and perhaps even mark people out visually with a tattoo in plain sight as a warning to all.

Such as this happy little critter

Without a doubt, those who are known to have Vagina Dentata would be at risk in some areas of lynching. On the other hand, I'm sure these extreme groups will be opposed by those who will rally for equal rights and trust for those with the mutation.
Sexually, there would be, as with just about everything in the world (see Rule 34), there would be those who would get off on the percieved danger of sleeping with someone with Vagina Dentata. Many, I suspect however, and I have male agreement on this fact, would be thoroughly put off ever sleeping with women again. I'll take a moment here to acknowledge the fact that most of this mini-essay is set in terms of male-female relationships, but to briefly address the issue of the effect on gay and lesbian people, one would imagine Vagina Dentata would have very little affect on the lives of gay men, and although there are risks with vagina dentata for lesbians, one would imagine the risks would be of a less *ahem* intimate nature, and would not carry the chance of taking them out of the gene pool as it would with a male-female relationship. Right. Now I've got that point covered...

Technology will immediately start specialising in this area as soon as it becomes widespread knowledge. There would be calls for protective devices for men (the traumatising discussion brought out concepts such as penile armour and clamps to hold back the teeth, and perhaps some sort of drug that would immobilize the muscles around the teeth). Cosmetic surgery would develop a whole new centre of interest, as demand could either be high for Vagina Dentata removal or, for those women without the mutation, there may be a number who wish they had it, and seek surgery to make this dream come true. It all depends on the evolving public perception - perhaps it would be seen by many women as an elite safety precaution.

John Bobbit IS reasonable provocation.

However, despite the fact that it would be used by most merely as a weapon when threatened, there are always the unstable percentage of the population who would not be so... humane with it. One could see a whole new area of crime rise up: the use of Vagina Dentata in revenge and cold blood. In other words, there would be a lot more John Bobbits about in the world. Perhaps laws would be made about the use of vagina dentata; I'd imagine the use of them would be banned apart from, like most violence, in a situation where self-defence is necessary.

Aww isn't she cu - OH MY GOD!!!

And lastly, it had to addressed. If we're going to go the whole hog on this thought experiment, we must consider all aspects. Thus, the practicalities of dental hygiene. 'Coz seriously, it's just not practical to stick a toothbrush up there. More seriously, one would assume that, like most animal teeth, brushing was not necessarily needed to keep the teeth in good condition. As it seems, from my intricate studies (I watched the film once), that Vagina Dentata can be used at will, one assumes that they are retractable. At this point the consideration appears to me: what happens during pregnancy? Either the teeth are set too low down to affect the developing foetus, or they would HAVE to remain retracted during the whole 9 months. If they are set low, then one with the mutation would have to use a LOT of self-restraint during the birth, seeing as I'm not entirely sure if, from Jess Weixler's wonderful acting, women are always in control of it during period of distress. Skipping over to another point: what the hell happens if you lose a tooth?! One would've assume that they didn't shed (because, umm, ow) until that lovely point in the film where they find a tooth in the... remains. SO, I'd imagine they only come out under duress, and considering their likeness to sharks' teeth, I'm going to go ahead and say I recon that, like a shark, there's rows and rows of teeth behind just waiting to roll in and replace any losses... in which case bad luck for those women who got surgery to have them removed, because it's gonna have to be pretty terrifyingly invasive the get them all out.


All in all though, you'll be happy to hear that Vagina Dentata does not in fact exist... Although, just a final word to freak out all you guys out there... if genetic engineering can put a human ear on a mouse, who's to say we can't put teeth in a vagina?? :P

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Random Fact of the Day: 35% of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. Yep, I think Vagina Dentata could be a very popular thing with women.

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