In which the author creates a sequel to the text message post of yesteryear

I know, I haven't posted in AGES, and I wish I could say it was because I was revising, but let's not lie to ourselves. In all fairness, I did at first have a whole load of deadlines, but exam preparation was hardly forthcoming after that. :P
Anyhow, I decided in order to prove that I haven't abandoned this blog completely that I'd do a quick little post now, as I do still have two exams to revise for...

Thus, I decided to share some of the fun/amusing/weird texts I've recieved since my last text sharing post way back in November ^_^

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- 'Men are like grapes, and it's our job to stamp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.'

- 'Proclamation of love number 4. Wtf! X x'

- 'Ha ha lucky you :) Although in the time it has taken you to get your sex life back, I've just been on the phone with student loans :/ I feel you achieved more...'

- 'My mate mat her gaw and nifc haha x x'   (No, the sender in question had NO IDEA what they were trying to say when I asked the next day :P )

- 'Ew holy foreskin. Wtf. xx'

- 'I saw LEMURS!!!!! XX'

- 'Some juice necessary for the lubrication of her faculties was spontaneously squirted. Most erotic description of painting ever! X x x'

- 'BOOOOOOOOBS!!!! Operation shoe shop commences!! Xx'

- 'This is a quest i have a vested interest in. You have my axe. :) '

- 'It's true. I'm alot like Gandhi that way.'

- 'If I smothered myself in nutella, I could become a god. :-) xx'

- 'guess who's drunk?         [two line breaks]          It may be me. :-) xx'

- 'Lmao i love you. My revision is now drinking x x'

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I promise to do some more posts soooooooooooooon... :/ xx

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Random Fact of the Day: Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell.

Random Image of the Day:

Wrong in so many ways...

In which the author considers the 10 t-shirts her life needs

I like a lot of stuff... trouble is I just can't afford it. Instead, I'll post it on here and you can imagine I wear these... :P


1. The Birthday t-shirt

I like this t-shirt. It casually says "Yes, I am 21. This means I can drink pretty much everywhere. Serve me alcohol now." Buy it here (preferably for me).

2. The "I like funny comedy, not this Ricky Gervais shit" t-shirt

'Oh Lord bless this, Thy hand grenade, that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy.' 

This is very much an all-round t-shirt I feel. Suitable for casual gatherings, lazy days, working at the MA in Medieval Literature, or just sleeping in. Availiable heeeeeeeeeeere.


3. The Star Trek convention / geek gatherings t-shirt

This t-shirt amuses me. Mostly because it puts to voice the sentiments I had towards Wesley Crusher through most of my favourite Star Trek generation. Aggrivation for Crusher fans here.


4. The proper Star Trek fan / feeling suicidal t-shirt

The red Star Trek shirts have always been my favourite colour. Unfortunately they're also notorious as being the colour shirt of pretty much EVERY character that dies on away missions. My irrational need to own one of these t-shirts overrides this risk. Tempt fate here.


5. The snobbish yet cool t-shirt

For all you uneducated heathens, Cogito ergo nom translates roughly to 'I think, therefore I nom'. I think this is an essential item of clothing for any scholar. Plus it has a cat on it. Purchase it here.


6. The ironically commenting on the commercialization and objectification upon modern man t-shirt

I like an interesting read. If it's on a t-shirt it just gives people an excuse to stare at eachother's chests. Another plus - it's somewhat witty :) Get heeeeeeeeeeeere.


7. The opening the door early in the morning / had to rush to get dressed t-shirt

I want this t-shirt pretty much because my housemates always seem to knock on my door in the morning when I'm still dressing (not really surprising considering how much time I like to spend messing around before I put on clothes) - I'd love to throw on this t-shirt before I open the door. :P Here. x
  


8. The strategically-chosen-to-irritate-the-brother t-shirt

My brother's doing a degree in Physics. I'm doing a degree in English Literature. Need I say more? Irritate the scientists here.


9. The plane trip t-shirt

I like a nice cheerful t-shirt. Optimism is what's needed when undertaking a long journey, plus I like the idea I'm possibly cheering up nervous flyers :P  Irritate people with your optimism here.


10. The much-needed reminder t-shirt

Sometimes you just need a reminder, no? Ideal for meetings with supervisors, bosses, and psycho-analysts. Plus it has a cute kitty. Buy one for me here.

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Random Fact of the Day: 1 in 5000 north Atlantic lobsters are born bright blue.

Random Image of the Day:

In which the author writes a letter to her Future Self

Lent's been going OK... mostly. I've stuck to the no lolcats rule, and was doing well with the half-hour exercise rule until yesterday - I haven't done any exercise today either. Hopefully I'll turn this around tomorrow. The good deeds are actually hard to do when you haven't got much spare time! I vacuumed my housemate's room for him, and I'm going to clean the shower and cook something for the housemates, but it's just finding the time!!!

Anyway, I decided for today's post to write a letter to my future self - a post to rediscover when I'm ridiculously old, y'know, like, 27 or something. :P

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Dear Future Self,

I kinda see you as a separate person, so I'm going to address you as 'you'. I can't really imagine being older than 26 at the moment, but then I didn't use to be able to imagine myself as older than 21, so there we go. First of all, I really hope you aren't boring... I don't ever want to become someone that doesn't at the very least occasionally dance insanely around in their underwear. Also, I really hope that you haven't, settled for less than you want - remember when we were younger? I was obsessed by the idea that I'd die before I'd manage to do certain things, so I rushed them? Guess what, I had time after all, and so do you. You have time to wait and you don't always need to rush. Unless you're like 60 by the time you read this, in which case GO AND DO SOMETHING NUTTY NOW BEFORE YOU'RE ON A ZIMMER FRAME!

OMG remember when I wrote a blog? And wrote things like 'OMG'? Wow, that was some embarrasing shit huh? I'm perfectly aware I'm probably going to cringe over this blog when I'm older, but for now I just don't care - live for now, everyone cringes over things they did in the past... just be sure you can say that at least you had fun doing it.

The friends I have now are awesome. If you've lost contact with any of them (twit), then write them a letter now. Just say hi, ask how they've been, say what you've been doing. They're awesome friends and you should never have let them drift away. Wow, I wonder what they're going to end up doing...

What did you do your PhD on in the end? Was it symbolism or did you find something else to be fascinated with by then? If you have had kids please say you didn't name them something annoying. I can totally see myself doing that. At least check all names for rhymes and initials first. Also, are you living somewhere cool? I hope you're living somewhere cool. With a bit of money for the occasional shopping trip or spontaneous pint? I hope you've had the chance to travel some more. Don't forget you wanted to travel to Venice, Rome, Germany, Paris again, Russia, Japan... loads of places.Don't not go because you couldn't be bothered to organise it. You'll regret it later! If you did go somewhere, did you have a summer romance? I'd love to have a summer fling...

Did you ever get that tattoo? I still don't know if I'm going to get it or not. I'd like to. Also, I wonder if I've got got any more grey hairs yet. I have 3 currently. They're called 'Essays', 'Exams' and 'Boys'. Do you have to dye your hair now to hide them? I always hoped I'd get a cool streak of silver... I suspect now though that I'm just going to have random hairs of white.

Guess I'll find out soon.

Love, Past Self xx

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Random Fact of the Day: Stressed is desserts spelled backwards. This fact is also my new motto.

Random Image of the Day:

Err... what?!

In which the author re-writes The Phantom of the Opera

Still waiting for time enough to write my sensible post. In the meantime have some smut. 'Think of Me' from Phantom of the Opera, rewritten to 'Finger Me' (©Psycho Bambi 2011) ... It's a moving tale of regrets and redemption. Oh, and it's REALLY not clean. Warning now, NOT suitable for underage viewers. This is what happens when I have work I should be doing.

Here's the tune to sing it by... (starts at 0:42)

And the words:

Finger me, finger me fondly
When we say goodbye.
Wank with me, once in a while,
Please promise me you'll try.
I never said your cock was big enough
Or thick enough to pleasure me...
If you ever find a moment, touch yourself for me.

We never said I'd get down on my knees,
Or that I would waver the fee,
But if you can still remember, stop and finger me.
Wank to all the things we've shared and seen;
Don't think about the sex that might have been.

Finger me, whilst I am waiting
Silent and resigned.
Imagine me, finding you hard,
You teased and how I pined!
Recall those days, look back on all those times,
Think of the men I'm going to screw!
Yet they'll never be a day
When I won't wank to you!

Can it be? Is that a butt plug? BRAVO!
What a change, you're really not a bit
The frigid bitch that once you were,
She may still not like my cock,
But I still wank to her.

I never said your cock was big enough
Or thick enough to pleasure me,
But please promise me that sometimes you will touch... (ahs ... ahhhhhhhh!) THEEEEEEEEEEERE!!!!!

Dude, from the look of it you seriously need to address your kissing technique.

*Cue standing ovation.*


I really should resist the urge to procrastinate. Also the pancakes yesterday were awesome. We made a lime flavoured one.

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Random Fact of the Day: A lion's roar can be heard from 5 miles away. Christine Daae's orgasm can be heard from 6 miles.

Random Image of the Day:

In which the author devotes a post to pancakes and promises

IT'S PANCAKE DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! ...ahem, well today was going to be the day I did a sensible post about equality (no, I'm not joking...), but then I decided that I probably need more time than I can afford tonight as I have to get up tomorrow for uni, and decided instead upon a quick post to celebrate a day that had almost passed me by!

So, perhaps a quick summary of the day? Just to make this post seem less last-minute? Wikipedia will show us the way... after all it is never wrong.

The word shrove is the past participle of the English verb to shrive, which means to obtain absolution for one's sins by way of confession and doing penance. Shrove Tuesday was the last day before the beginning of Lent on Ash Wednesday, and noted in histories dating back to 1000 AD. In the United Kingdom and many other countries, the day is often known as Pancake Day. Making and eating such foods was considered a last feast with ingredients such as sugar, fat and eggs, whose consumption was traditionally restricted during the ritual fasting associated with Lent. 

Nowadays however, pancake day is more a day to traditionally stick food substances to the ceiling and/or floor.

Pancake Recipie!!!! (well I couldn't waste an opportunity to fill up space huh?)

Ingredients:

• 110g (4oz) plain flour
• 1 egg
• 300ml (1/2 pint) milk
• optional pinch of salt
• toppings!

Method:

1. To make the pancake batter, add the milk, egg and then the flour and blend using an electric blender or food processor. Or if a blender is not available, sift the flour and salt into a bowl. Add the egg and beat well. Then add the milk gradually and beat to make a smooth batter.
2.Heat a little oil in a large frying pan until hot and then pour enough batter to thinly coat the base of the pan. Cook for a couple of minutes each side. FLIP IT, AND FLIP IT PROPERLY!!!! No half-arsed flips allowed. If it didn't almost hit the ceiling it's not a true pancake.
3. Serve sprinkled with sugar and lemon juice. Alternatively drizzle with golden syrup or jam. Or spread nutella on it... or, you know what, who am I to tell you how to eat your pancakes? Melt marshmallows and stick jelly babies on it for all I care! ...Actually that could be quite tasty... *ponders*

Alternative Method:

Just buy some ready mix and follow the packet instructions. Like I'll probably be doing.

 

HOWEVER!

The more pressing matter however is that I have not decided upon anything to give up over Lent! I've considered chocolate, but as anyone who's seen my room will tell you, Nutella addiction will not allow that. 

EVIDENCE: Yes they're all empty. These are the jars I have consumed in the last month and a half. By itself. That's roughly 1950g of Nutella. I do NOT want to think about how many calories that is, other than a LOT.

Tomato ketchup? BUT WHAT THEN WILL I DIP MY CHICKEN NUGGETS AND PIZZA IN? And considering nutella, chicken nuggets and pizza make up quite a large percentage of my diet (HOW am I not grossly overweight?) this just isn't a viable option. Besides, I've already cut down my ketchup intake - a bottle now lasts me longer than a week. I guess I could give up alcohol. BAH! Who am I kidding?! ...Facebook? As much as I'm sure that quitting this would be extremely good for my degree, it's also how I keep my sanity sometimes and chat with friends/organise outings etc... so I'm gonna reject that one, despite it's good intentions. I could give up all references to, and looking at pictures of Gaspard, but then I'd like there to remain some light in my sad little life. :P 

Come, share in my happiness ^_^

Ok, so after some thought I have some ideas:

1. At least half an hour a day must be given over to exercise. Walking to and from places does not count.
2. Give up Lolcats and all affiliated sites
3. Do a good deed every day.

These I like. Exercise would certainly put me in a better mood, I waste half my life procrastinating on the Cheeseburger sites, and there's nothing wrong with a good deed a day. In fact, you know what? I'm going do them ALL. Yup, all of them. I'll report back on my progress and all my good deeds as Lent goes on. DEAL.

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Random Fact of the Day: You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV. ...but what if you're watching a horror film and keep jumping??

Random Image of the Day:

In which the author compares James Joyce to Hitler

Well, I've thinking recently... pretty much everyone, given a timemachine, would have the question of whether or not to go back and kill Hitler (personally I think he's caused too much change to now be safely killed - the world would be COMPLETELY different, and we may have learnt nothing from the atrocities that occurred). HOWEVER - the question I want to pose is who would you consider killing apart from this dictator who forever changed our associations of the Chaplin comedy mustache? I propose James Joyce.

The face of evil.

Who?  Irish modernist poet/dickhead extraordinaire, the writer of Ulysses (the dublin-set novel, not the Homer story or Tennyson poem!)

Why? If you have to ask this question then you have the envious position of never having had to read Ulysses. To give you an idea, let me quote you a few lines from a random page:

'Patrice, home on furlough, lapped warm milk with me in the bar Mac-Mahon. Son of the wild goose, Kevin Egan of Paris. My father's a bird, he lapped the sweet lait chaud with pink young tongue, plump bunny's face. Lap, lapin. He hopes to win in the gros lots. About the nature of women he read in Michelet. But he must send me La Vie de Jesus by M. Leo Taxil. Lent it to his friend.'

- Joyce, Ulysses: The 1922 text, (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2008). p.41

Starting to get the idea? It's all pretty much like that, with random bits put into play form or newspaper headings to stop me from going completely mad. Oh, and there's 732 pages of this, as well as 3 appendixes and 217 pages of explanatory notes, did I mention that?

I hear his other novels are quite good, and as much as I can understand what he was trying to do with this novel I still can't forgive him. Yes, he was trying to revolutionise literature, but he could have achieved that just as well with a short story. Yes, I can appreciate the scale and planning of the project, but REALLY? 700 odd pages of this? What kills me the most, however, is that he created this novel to be as impenetrable as possible with the explicit intent to cause as much trouble to critics and literature students as he could, so that it would take generations to work out all his random allusions. He wanted literary immortality, and went about it by writing the most headache-inducing novel possible. These atrocities were committed knowingly and purposefully by a sane man, and that's why I feel, and I'm sure many an english student would agree, that Joyce is the English students' Hitler.

There. I feel a little better now.

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Random Fact of the Day: The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet (9m)

Random Image of the Day:

In which the author undertakes a questionnaire

Wow... I'm posting a lot again. Can you tell I've got work I shouldn't be putting off? :S

Anyway, QUESTIONNAIRE!!

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Do you have feelings for anyone?
Ohhh, well now that's opening up a can of worms huh? Quite an opening question.

Do you plan on moving out within the next year?
Moved out a couple of years ago, but no idea where I'm going next year yet...

Last person you told a secret to?
ummmmmmm... either Charlie or Jess... probably Charlie.

What are you listening to at the moment?
The sound of silence... wait, let me correct this... *iTunes shuffle* ...Numb by Marina and the Diamonds

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
Happily sleeping :)

Do you like to have long hair or short hair?
Long hair

If you were at reasonable age, would you prefer a baby boy or girl?
Probably a girl... think I'd understand her more than I would a boy.

What are you doing tonight?
Hopefully at some point I'll be doing work :S

How many profile views do you have?
Don't know, don't really care. I lie actually, I think it's something in the region of a pathetic 30 or something. I say I don't care to make the pain go away...

*sniff... cries... ANGST.*    :P

What do you want?
Happiness, security, my friends, a million pounds and Gaspard Ulliel. IS IT REALLY TOO MUCH TO ASK?!

Who knows a dark secret or two about you?
A few people... Emily, Sarah and Charlie are the main culprits. I'm not sure how 'culprits' is the right word here, but somehow it is and I'm using it anyway. So there.

Do you have any plans for the weekend?
Umm... a film, friends and last-minute work. :)

Is there someone you will never forget?
Of course. Several people :)

How are you right now?
Ok, cant complain too much... but watch me try :P

Do you currently have a hickey?
Haha...no... not sure if I should be sad or glad about that.

Are you gonna get high later?
I have better things to do with my time

If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
Depends on the someone. Is it Gaspard? :P ...ok, seriously, I have a problem. Let's leave off Gaspard for the rest of this post.

What are you tired of?
Essays being lazy and not doing themselves, and shit texters.

How late did you stay up last night?
Erm, not that late, about half 1?

What will you be doing in 3 hours?
Working? Please say working.

Have you ever been called heartless?
I dont think so...

Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet?
Snookie? No-one I know personally. I can't hold a grudge, I forgive people WAY too easily.

Is there something right now that has you worried?
My long essay. And the fact that I'm not doing it.

How old were you when you got your first piercing?
Umm 15? I think I was 15.

Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?
Not until you mentioned it. Great. Thanks.

Do you hate when people smoke around you?
No... Used to it now.

Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?
Paris. I have been overtaken of late by an almost uncontrollable urge to run away for a few days, scuppered only by my endless pragmatism that points out I can't do that AND afford to live for the rest of term.

What were you doing at 4am?
Sleeping... unusual for me lately it seems.

What are you wearing?
Jeans and my stripey top that always reminds me of pirates... oh, and my rabbit socks :)

Is the last person you kissed also the next person you'll kiss?
We'll just have to see, huh?

What's a word that rhymes with DOOR?
SCORE.

Do you write notes on your hand?
Rarely. I used to do it ALL the time.

What is the last movie you watched?
Umm... wow I can't actually remember. Probably a shit horror film :)

What time did you wake up today?
11am

How much longer until your birthday?
6 months and 12 days

Pick a word that starts with the first letter of your first name:
Flaccid.

How has your health been lately?
Ok... please don't let me just have jinxed it, please don't let me just have jinxed it, please don't let me just have jinxed it...

Was the last person you hugged a male or female?
Male

Will you be dating someone in six months?
...How does someone tell that?! Oh wait, how stupid of me, let me just whip out my crystal ball! ...I see, I see... a shit question.

Have you ever thrown a shoe at someone?
Not with intent of causing injury :P

Are you one of those twilight crazy people?
Nope. It was fun to read but I happily admit it is trash fiction and has no literary value other than a sign of the interesting turn of perceptions upon the vampire tradition of the last few years.

What colour are your eyes?
Hazel

Do you have an older brother?
Nope. Je suis the OLDEST :D

Do you like hugs and kisses?
Yup yup :)

What is something you need to go shopping for?
Shampoo and conditioner... I went out shopping for them specifically earlier, came back and realised I'd managed to forget them. *bangs head against wall*

Do you have a sister?
Nopesy

Does anyone call you babe or baby?
Not unless they want a scathing look in reply... I lie, I can't do scathing. They'd get a cringe.

What does your hair look like right now?
I think it's trying to make itself straight again like it used to be when I was a kid... other than that it's ok

Where is your cell phone?
To my left :)

Did you run anywhere today?
I ran on the spot. Coz that's how I roll... or run.

Have you held hands with somebody in the past week?
Yep. Wow, is that it? That's all the questions you got? Quitter.

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Well... that was a bit lame. I should probably go read now. By the way, To The Lighthouse is actually VERY good. :)

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 Random Fact of the Day: In ancient Rome it was considered a sign of leadership to be born with a crooked nose.

Random Image of the Day:

I have no idea what you're doing, but there's no way that alcohol is not involved in this somehow. For this, I salute you.