In which the author finds ways to make life hell for Literature students in the year 2602

Oh my, I'm living in the happy little hell of essay-deadline times. Having pulled an all-nighter last night to get one essay done and handed in on time, I've not slept in, I'm guesstimating, about 34 hours, so expect even more insane drivel this evening than usual. On the other hand, one and all can rest assured that I have clearly handed in a piece of brilliantly insightful writing on Chaucer's dream vision landscapes that will no doubt enthrall and entertain generations to come - oh those lucky, lucky people! ...good lord I need to sleep.

So what wonderfully fascinating and deep contemplations have I got for you all today? Well, I shall keep you in suspense no longer! Charlie and I, whilst journeying out on the food shopping mission of a lifetime, came up with a wonderful, wonderful idea. (Yes, 'wonderful' is my word of the day today it seems!) What this generation needs, what would be simply thrilling to put together as a legacy for future generations: Classic Literature Porn. The whole idea was brought about by my horrific discovery that Rule 34 is NOT always true. There is no Middlemarch porn on the world wide web. Charlie and I believe this is simply unacceptable, and thus we began our plan to fix this.
We call it....

FIDDLEMARCH!!!

 Clearly, as all know, Mr Casaubon is the obvious male lead, being easily the sexiest male character in Middlemarch. (Oh, and for those who wish to announce their undying love of everything Casaubon to the world, I bring you the facebook group: Mr Casaubon: Sex Symbol Extraordinaire. You're welcome.) Being such a pervasively erotic man, we felt that any change of his name would merely overpower anyone who tried to read it with uncontrollable lust, and they would be quite unable to finish the book. Thus, we decided to retain his name as it is.
Currently we have several possible porn pseudonyms lined up for the other main characters, but all suggestions are welcome!

But, we thought, why should it end there? Why not, while we're at it, corrupt other beloved (and hated) classics too? The story concepts we have running so far are:

Sensuality and Sensitivity

(Sense and Sensibility)

Hard Times 

(oh Dickens, your titles don't even have to be changed. Even your name works!)

Man-feel Park 

(Mansfield Park)

Enema 

(Emma)

  

A Tale of Two Titties 

(A Tale of Two Cities... I'm sure this has already been done!!)

There are many more to be thought of I'm sure, but that's what we have so far. However, it has been decided that this collection of works will be too much for this century to take in and understand it for the work of genius it is, so our plan is, once these have been written and collated, to put them in a time capsule and bury it. This way people in the far distant future, say in the year 2602, will come across it whilst preparing the foundations for a hover-car manufacturing plant, and will believe they have uncovered vital work by forgotten geniuses, perhaps beloved in their time, and these set of works will be worthy of intense study and debate, just as Lady Chatterley is now in English Literature.

Ladies and Gentleman, we have a dream. A dream that one day our sordid and geeky porn will be force-fed to the victimised students of Ancient Literature in the University of Mars. Who here has the heart to deny us this plan??

~~~~~

One last traumatising thing!

You thought it was all over didn't you! Well I have one last horrifying surprise to give you all. A word to the wise, ALWAYS beware when searching for sources for Chaucer essays, because if you google 'Priapus', you will find this little gem of a traumatising experience (Really, really NSFW). Needless to say, it wasn't quite what I was looking for, but at least I did manage to resist the sore temptation to reference it in my essay in the hope the marker would check the address out of interest! 

The most terrifying part about it, I think, are the contact details for the "Rev.", and the worryingly long list of cities where there are apparently "temples". On the positive side, EVERY LINE is intensely quoteable.

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Random Fact of the Day: Cats sleep 16 to 18 hours per day. ...I think I may be a cat.

Random Image of the Day:

In which the author gets a little over exited with MorphThing

Ok, so most of you I imagine will have heard of MorphThing ( http://www.morphthing.com ). Basically, for those who have not yet experienced the wonders of this website, it lets you morph faces together AND predict what their kids will look like. It's a time-waster's dream.
Most people will morph their faces with their one celebrity crush, or with their friends, but a disturbed few will choose to try the baby morphing thing. It will shatter some dreams and perfect others. For example, I have discovered that when Matt Smith and I get together, it would be a great cruelty to reproduce, as MorphThing has helpfully shown me that our offspring bear an uncanny resemblance to Shrek. On the other hand, when I marry Gaspard Ulliel, I can rest assured that our children will be the most adorable things ever.

With this in mind, I have, in a totally sane manner, created my fantasy brood - a child for each fling when I become a celebrity hussy. Some are adorable, some... should be drowned at birth. Behold my mighty brood.

The Adorables

Father: Gaspard Ulliel

Father: Gerard Way

Father: Milo Ventimiglia

Father: James McAvoy

Father: Seth Green

The Fuglys

Father: Christian Bale

Father: Johnny Depp

Father: Jake Gyllenhaal

Granted, some of these fugly kids are rendered disturbing by the mustache shadow left by the merger, but still, this is evidence that perhaps when I date Christian Bale, Johnny Depp and Jake Gyllenhaal, I should refrain from having children with them.

No, I have no idea why Bale's kid looks kinda like Meatloaf with spiked hair.

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The other mighty purpose which MorphThing can serve for is to attempt to create the perfect man. A challenge which I have undertaken with great effort. Behold. Womankind, you may thank me later.

~ Disclaimer: Results may be subjective, but don't worry, mine is the best and most reliable opinion.
ddddd
My Attempts at Creating The Perfect Man

Attempt No.1

This wonderful creature, ladies, is an amalgamation of Zachary Quinto, James Franco, Gaspard Ulliel, and Robert Downey Jnr.
I think he's kinda yummy actually. And strangely familiar looking...






Attempt No. 2

Meet the amalgamation of Joseph Fiennes, Gerard Way, James McAvoy, and Adrien Brody. I was kinda nervous as to how this would turn out what with all their distinctive features, but I think it's kinda good actually. Personally I prefer No.1, but my dear housemate disagrees.




Attempt No. 3

Ici est the amalgamation of Jake Gyllenhaal, Milo Ventimiglia, Jonathon Rhys Myers, and Takeshi Kaneshiro. Wow, I really did put all the awkward names in one here. I shall call it Gylltimrhyshiro. Not too sure of my opinion on this one. I think he looks like an '80s elf...




Attempt No. 4

And the final basic combination: Colin Farrell, Zach Braff, Seth Green, and Cillian Murphy. I think he's kinda cute in a homey sort of way.

Now, this was all going quite well, until I started to get a little drunk on power, and a strange idea took hold of me... what if I were to morph all these amalgamations into one SUPER HOT MAN??? The concept was too much to resist, and so I give you...

Super-Hot-Man Mark 1

I'm not gonna lie, I was a little disappointed. 16 men in one was bound to throw up problems, and I found that morph thing erased every distinctive feature in making this image. It's good looking, I'll give it that, but he just needs a little something more. More distinctive cheekbones? More piercing eyes? Heavier eyebrows? The hunt for the perfect man continues. He does have really good skin though...

-----------------------------

...some time later:

BUT let this not be an abandoned project!!! I urge you all, for the good of mankind to join me in this brave quest - together we can suceed, and using cloning techniques EVERYONE can have one. Welcome to the future ladies and gentleman - a wonderful, bright, (non-orange) future.

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Random Fact of the Day: 43.7% of all statistics are made up right on the spot.

Random Image of the Day: 

In which the author ponders what must be done whilst she can still get away with it

Yes, I know I have already posted this on facebook, but it's my blog and who's to stop me putting it here too if I want. Some things can only be done properly when a student. University is a time when people don't judge the weird things you do as strange or innappropriate, but accept it as something normal. My time as a student, and more importantly, in a position where I can do stupid things like this without repercussions, is drawing near its close. Thus, I have put together this list to ensure that I do as much as possible with these last few months of social freedom. Once more dear friends, I call out: will any selflessly help me with any of these??! :P

Things to do before I graduate
[ ] 1. GO TO FRANCE! (day trip or weekend, but good lord I'm so near the channel tunnel it'd be criminal NOT to use it!)

[ ] 2. Go to the Christmas service at the Cathedral

[ ] 3. Get kicked out/lifetime ban from a shop. The posher the better.  EDIT!!! My new aim is to dress up as something WEIRD (e.g. pikachu or something), go to London for the day, and see how many shops we can get thrown out of by pulling weird pranks and acting oddly.

[ ] 4. Paddle/swim in the river (preferably in summer :P )

[ ] 5. Find an excuse to use the cathedral archives :P

[X] 6. Survive more than 2mins in Humans v. Zombies

[ ] 7. Go see a play in London

[X] 8. Dye my hair a vivid, vivid colour of wonder

[ ] 9. Skinny dipping

[ ] 10. Drink/ be drunk for 24 hours straight

[ ] 11. Have a week where I can only say "no" 3 times... otherwise my answer to every request/demand is "yes"

These are all the ones I can think of for now - I'll add more as I think of them. If you have any suggestions / are willing to help (and haven't already volunteered!) please do pipe up!

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Random Fact of the Day: Every second, Americans collectively eat one hundred pounds of chocolate.

Random Image of the Day:

In which the author formulates a plan

A very weird thing has been happening of late. Well, not so much of late, more like over the last six months or so. I'm not entirely sure why, but I keep dreaming of fricking zombies. Yes, let me repeat that for those of you incapable of reading (in which case what are you doing on this blog?): zombies.

Now, I have no particularly engrossing interest in our rotting, stumbling undead friends, yet my subconscious seems to think that this subject is something very serious that requires an hour or so a night at least every two weeks. As it's now got to the point where last night my dream comprised of me as a kind of Bill character (yup, I was a muscley, tough, 50 year old guy - sounds just like me, huh?) shredding a large mutant zombie into tiny pieces. Thus, in order to stem the tide of my oncoming insanity, I have decided that what my subconscious is demanding is something that the rest of the world seems to have already formed: a plan in case of a zombie apocalypse.

Having done my research, I have decided that due to the many varied ideas on what one should do, to split the question into five categories: when, where, how, with what, and with whom.

When?
When exactly should one take action? Should one run for the hills so to speak at the first cough at the other side of the country, or wait for the army to fail against the hordes?
From all I can find, it seems the best thing to do is to always be on the lookout for signs of a government cover-up to prevent mass panic. This means I must keep my eye on the small news stories at ALL times. See something weird? Small "flu" epidemic with strange symptoms? Mysterious sheep madness?

When you start seeing news stories like this:  

"I suddenly noticed the sheep seemed to be moving generally towards me," Jeff continues, They were still quite a way off - a few hundred yards. But then I noticed more and more heading down. And then I noticed sheep in the lower part of the field were heading up towards me. The ones I'd walked past, just behind me, they were starting to head towards me as well. All of a sudden I was surrounded by a lot of sheep. [...] I've not been walking in that part of the world for a long time. Maybe at the back of my mind I'm thinking they'll get me next time."

- http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/hometruths/nastysheep.shtml

IT IS TIME TO ENACT THE PLAN.


Where?
The most logical thing to me seems to be the get out of highly populated areas, as that's where all the zombies will be heading for, and where infection will spread most quickly. So, it seems we're heading to the countryside and/or a small village. One survival genius "dr zeus" tells us that "You gotta hole up somewhere eventually, but pick carefully. Let's say that the outbreak is localized to your city, but you know that the neighboring town is zombie-free. Flee to the neighboring town." (http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2005/4/18/153047/155). It seems I can either hole up or keep on the move. Considering my options however, I would imagine that, depending on the number of survivors, food supplies would only last so long in a certain area. Thus, I think my best plan would be to find tempory safe places to hole up, but always have an emergency exit and always be ready to move off in a hurry. Moving gradually north towards the Yorkshire Moors, I'd move away from southern urban centres and the highly populated area of London, towards a more sparsely populated area.

How?
But how would I get there? "Baconbach" helpfully points out that "The Roads will undoubtably be clogged with traffic.  What we cannot crash our way through we will have to go around." So it looks like my best mode of transport would be either a Range Rover or a motorbike. A motorbike would be able to weave through traffic easily and quickly, but offers little cover if trapped amongst the brain-munchers, and wouldn't be that useful if you decided to bring some buddies. A Range Rover would be great off-road and in the country, but may be little help in a side-barred road traffic jam. Thus I think the optimum plan would be to find a traffic jam, drive a motorbike to the start of it, and carjack a Range Rover, putting the motorbike in the back for breakdown emergencies. Covered.

With What?
Preparation is the key here, so having a pre-packed bag is essential. We need clothes, food, weapons and other essentials. Hit your local supermarket and Wilkos, but be wary others will have the same plan! Thick clothes and layers are useful. Foodwise we're going to need stuff that's nutritious and will last, as well as bottles of water. Weapons: I'm going to need stuff for distance attack and close quarters. A good kitchen knife is the first thing I'd head for, followed by a good bat or hockey stick. A gun would be nice, and googlemaps has helpfully informed me that there's a shooting ground just on Sturry Road, which I may head for. Other essentials are clearly the basics - ibuprofen, antiseptics, microporous tape (because it's good for EVERYTHING), and a bottle of vodka (coz let's face it, in the event of a zombie apocalypse I'm gonna need a stiff drink). I'm thinking proplus may be both my friend and my enemy here. Oh, and my iPod, so at least for a few hours I can listen to some rousing tracks whilst I fight my way out of the city.

With Whom?
Now this may in fact be one of the most important points. You want people you can trust, can keep a cool head, are good with weapons and survival knowledge, and who you can run faster than. For a time I believe it would be helpful to work together with a few people to survive. At first, I suggest a maximum of two other people for the initial city escape: two people are enough to watch your back and cover the possibility of losing one (/tripping one up to give you extra time), but means that there's less chance of heroics. I urge against choosing a couple as your two buddies. Later on you may choose to either join more people if society has broken down, or go solo if food supplies are scarce.

Now I have my plan, I urge you to form your own too, as chances are in the event of a zombie apocalypse all I'm going to do is be tasty.

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Random Fact of the Day: The world's longest Coca-Cola truck is in Sweden. It is 79 feet long with a four-axle trailer 

Random Image of the Day:

In which the author realises she sounds like a twat when she blogs, but decides to go ahead with the whole thing anyway

A whole new bloooooooooooooog

Wow, I've finally done it. I've started a blog. I've just put myself into a whole new group of people known as "bloggers". I've always thought the word "bloggers" was a horrible word... kinda reminiscent of 'bog'. Thus the word 'bloggers' is a kind of muddy green colour in my head. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm deviating already.

Ok, well, let's do introductions to start off shall we? Hi, I'm Fawn, nice to meet you. Yes, Fawn. No, not Dawn. Fawn. No, not like a Narnia creation. Spelt like the baby deer.
I'm 21, and in my third year of an English Literature degree. I like reading (obviously, otherwise let's face it, this degree would be a NIGHTMARE), watching films of pretty much every genre, a few TV programmes: mostly Doctor Who, Merlin (blates for the intricate plot twists and not for the hot guys in every other shot), Mock the Week, QI, News of the World and that sort of thing. Ummm... what else? I have a penchant for cats. That's my backup plan by the way. If I've not caught a guy by 45 it's pretty much a given that the cards will spell out a long and promising future as mad-cat-lady-extraordinaire!

Ok... so now I've set myself up as the completely and utterly sane and rational person that I clearly am, I'm gonna stop here before I do any more damage.

p.s. Is it worrying that I have the song 'A Whole New World' stuck in my head, but with 'blog' inserted in the place of 'world'? This doesn't bode well.

p.p.s. I've decided to end each post with a random fact and picture.

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Random fact of the day: House flies have a lifespan of two weeks. Good.

Random image of the day:

But is it art? Answer: No.