In which the author formulates a plan

A very weird thing has been happening of late. Well, not so much of late, more like over the last six months or so. I'm not entirely sure why, but I keep dreaming of fricking zombies. Yes, let me repeat that for those of you incapable of reading (in which case what are you doing on this blog?): zombies.

Now, I have no particularly engrossing interest in our rotting, stumbling undead friends, yet my subconscious seems to think that this subject is something very serious that requires an hour or so a night at least every two weeks. As it's now got to the point where last night my dream comprised of me as a kind of Bill character (yup, I was a muscley, tough, 50 year old guy - sounds just like me, huh?) shredding a large mutant zombie into tiny pieces. Thus, in order to stem the tide of my oncoming insanity, I have decided that what my subconscious is demanding is something that the rest of the world seems to have already formed: a plan in case of a zombie apocalypse.

Having done my research, I have decided that due to the many varied ideas on what one should do, to split the question into five categories: when, where, how, with what, and with whom.

When?
When exactly should one take action? Should one run for the hills so to speak at the first cough at the other side of the country, or wait for the army to fail against the hordes?
From all I can find, it seems the best thing to do is to always be on the lookout for signs of a government cover-up to prevent mass panic. This means I must keep my eye on the small news stories at ALL times. See something weird? Small "flu" epidemic with strange symptoms? Mysterious sheep madness?

When you start seeing news stories like this:  

"I suddenly noticed the sheep seemed to be moving generally towards me," Jeff continues, They were still quite a way off - a few hundred yards. But then I noticed more and more heading down. And then I noticed sheep in the lower part of the field were heading up towards me. The ones I'd walked past, just behind me, they were starting to head towards me as well. All of a sudden I was surrounded by a lot of sheep. [...] I've not been walking in that part of the world for a long time. Maybe at the back of my mind I'm thinking they'll get me next time."

- http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/hometruths/nastysheep.shtml

IT IS TIME TO ENACT THE PLAN.


Where?
The most logical thing to me seems to be the get out of highly populated areas, as that's where all the zombies will be heading for, and where infection will spread most quickly. So, it seems we're heading to the countryside and/or a small village. One survival genius "dr zeus" tells us that "You gotta hole up somewhere eventually, but pick carefully. Let's say that the outbreak is localized to your city, but you know that the neighboring town is zombie-free. Flee to the neighboring town." (http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2005/4/18/153047/155). It seems I can either hole up or keep on the move. Considering my options however, I would imagine that, depending on the number of survivors, food supplies would only last so long in a certain area. Thus, I think my best plan would be to find tempory safe places to hole up, but always have an emergency exit and always be ready to move off in a hurry. Moving gradually north towards the Yorkshire Moors, I'd move away from southern urban centres and the highly populated area of London, towards a more sparsely populated area.

How?
But how would I get there? "Baconbach" helpfully points out that "The Roads will undoubtably be clogged with traffic.  What we cannot crash our way through we will have to go around." So it looks like my best mode of transport would be either a Range Rover or a motorbike. A motorbike would be able to weave through traffic easily and quickly, but offers little cover if trapped amongst the brain-munchers, and wouldn't be that useful if you decided to bring some buddies. A Range Rover would be great off-road and in the country, but may be little help in a side-barred road traffic jam. Thus I think the optimum plan would be to find a traffic jam, drive a motorbike to the start of it, and carjack a Range Rover, putting the motorbike in the back for breakdown emergencies. Covered.

With What?
Preparation is the key here, so having a pre-packed bag is essential. We need clothes, food, weapons and other essentials. Hit your local supermarket and Wilkos, but be wary others will have the same plan! Thick clothes and layers are useful. Foodwise we're going to need stuff that's nutritious and will last, as well as bottles of water. Weapons: I'm going to need stuff for distance attack and close quarters. A good kitchen knife is the first thing I'd head for, followed by a good bat or hockey stick. A gun would be nice, and googlemaps has helpfully informed me that there's a shooting ground just on Sturry Road, which I may head for. Other essentials are clearly the basics - ibuprofen, antiseptics, microporous tape (because it's good for EVERYTHING), and a bottle of vodka (coz let's face it, in the event of a zombie apocalypse I'm gonna need a stiff drink). I'm thinking proplus may be both my friend and my enemy here. Oh, and my iPod, so at least for a few hours I can listen to some rousing tracks whilst I fight my way out of the city.

With Whom?
Now this may in fact be one of the most important points. You want people you can trust, can keep a cool head, are good with weapons and survival knowledge, and who you can run faster than. For a time I believe it would be helpful to work together with a few people to survive. At first, I suggest a maximum of two other people for the initial city escape: two people are enough to watch your back and cover the possibility of losing one (/tripping one up to give you extra time), but means that there's less chance of heroics. I urge against choosing a couple as your two buddies. Later on you may choose to either join more people if society has broken down, or go solo if food supplies are scarce.

Now I have my plan, I urge you to form your own too, as chances are in the event of a zombie apocalypse all I'm going to do is be tasty.

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